


The Empowerment of Haruhi Suzumiya

by Monobear



Category: Guardians of the Galaxy (Movies), 涼宮ハルヒ | Suzumiya Haruhi - All Media Types
Genre: Crack Crossover, F/F, F/M, Gen, M/M, POV Multiple
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-12-26
Updated: 2014-12-26
Packaged: 2018-03-03 16:12:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,330
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2856977
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Monobear/pseuds/Monobear
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Haruhi wishes for a chance to become superhuman akin to superheroes, a notable incident gets her god powers noticed...and after annoying all the other teams, there's only one other that'll take her. Not that it'll be anything too out of the usual for them, at least.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Empowerment of Haruhi Suzumiya

It shouldn't be surprising as to what the antics of Suzumiya Haruhi consisted of to this point: her interest in something peaks, something of that nature appears, something goes wrong, and I get involved somehow, which always ends up not how I'd like it to end up. But at least things go well for her, which is what has to happen no matter what for reasons I've been told to keep to myself: Suzumiya is a god, she's taken up an interest in you, and you have to keep her happy. Like we all do. Or the world is doomed.

Personally, if I were any more outright spiteful, I'd think that the world were doomed with someone like her in charge, anyway.

It was a bit worrying when she ended up dashing inside the club room of her 'SOS Brigade' dressed in a cosplay that looked like an elementary schooler's rendition of themselves as a superhero. It was even moreso when Asahina-san and Nagato-san ended up walking in slowly behind her - and from what little I could tell of Nagato's expression, she was quite possibly pondering her life up to this point and how she'd ended up in a short skirt with a t-shirt and arm cuffs and a scouter akin to Dragon Ball Z. (Don't ask how I know that. Long story.) Anyway, I couldn't blame Nagato for it. Asahina was panicking as usual, and if I were a man of lower morals, I'd make the observation that she was clearly dressed in the skimpiest outfit of the 3. Luckily, I'm not.

"Alright, Kyon-kun, Koizumi-kun, from now on, the SOS Brigade is now the SOS Brigade....but a superhero team!" Suzumiya declared, striking something similar to the famous Sailor Moon pose. "We have to defend the weak and destroy evil and stuff! That's our responsibility!" 

"...Since when are we anywhere near an organized crime-fighting force? On top of that, you're not exactly hiding your face. Aren't superheroes supposed to have secret identities, or something?"

"Pleaaaase!" Suzumiya snorted. "Secret identities are for those too scared to show their face! Besides, it's not like there's much point to one. Villains always dig up your private life anyway, and if you have a secret identity you have to at least act shocked. I couldn't, exactly. I'm not the best at pretending for the sake of assholes. But anyway, we WEREN'T an organized crime fighting force, but NOW we are. Which is why I've had Yuki-chan tap into police radios."

"....You did what now?!"

Nagato placed a radio on the table, turning it on and staring blankly at it as the announcement of an unknown creature was broadcast, causing Suzumiya's eyes to practically sparkle. "Turn it up! Turn it up!"

" _crrk._...That's right, unknown life, suspected to be of alien origin, requesting backup.. _..sskktt._...target is hostile--"

"PERFECT!" Suzumiya grinned. "Absolutely perfect! Come! To the SOS-mobile!"

"....We're just taking the bus, aren't we?"

"Shaddup and get into it, Kyon-kun. Spoilsport."

* * *

 

Another day, another dollar, am I right? Well. No. Not exactly. Close enough, though. More like...another day, another monster threatening to destroy all life on Earth and it looks like all the other important Earth teams are busy and or not willing to go after this thing, so hey, you're not busy, you go do it. 

Man, good thing that I'm a nice guy. Mostly.

But still, a gigantic monster attacking Japan? You can't pass that shit up. That's so cliche that it's hilarious. Seriously, if we have to fight Godzilla, I'm going to lose it. Goodbye, your team leader is out of commission because he's waiting for the shitty special effects to kick in and laughing to the point of tears. Dear lord. PLEASE LET IT BE GODZILLA. I don't care if he's fictional. I'm going with the idea that it's Godzilla until we get there.

Oh. Right. Name's Quill. Peter Quill. But call me Star Lord. I'm the leader of this team, Guardians of the Galaxy, you might've heard of us before since we saved the entire galaxy and it was pretty damn awesome. But hey, we're all really awesome, not just me. Gamora, Drax, Groot, Rocket, they're all great and probably just one of us could handle it, but we're all bored as hell, and plus, if it's Godzilla, they're not missing it. Not a chance in hell that I'd let them pass that up. And no, I'm not letting that one go.

"...We're going to be fighting a gigantic reptile?" Gamora was giving me that face. The one that says 'why is he the leader again', and I've gotta respond with the 'because even you almost kissed me once, I'm amazingly charming and presentable' look. It's kinda a daily thing, that back and forth. Though we've both agreed to never speak of that moment again. Because of reasons. I mean, I'd pick it up, but she's not up for it, and that's okay with me. Besides, she gets annoyed with me a lot already, it'd be even worse if we were dating. 

"Yup. At least, I think so. I mean, that's what usually attacks Japan in movies. Giant monsters. But Godzilla is the best."

"....Godzilla." Oh, c'mon, Rocket, don't join her in the 'our leader is so stupid' group! "Yeah, no, definitely not...Godzilla. Whatever it is, it's not that." You are all going to hate it when I'm so so so right. Hate it so much. And I'm gonna rub it in all of your faces. Because I'm not above gloating.

Alright, so we're about to land. We'd better get prepar--wait a sec. Why is there already a team of people here? Hey, assholes, we were here for....that giant blobby thing that's clearly not Godzilla first!

"OH, C'MON, I WAS EXPECTING GODZILLA!"

Though I can't say I don't like their apparent leader. And looking at them, they're all....what, teenagers? 17-ish? What are they doing here?

* * *

It was enough that yes, indeed, there was what was obviously not of this Earth attacking the city. And now there was a spaceship coming in? Nagato let out a long sigh, summoning beams from her arms and diving in at the giant blob thing as Suzumiya began shouting out orders.

"YUKI-CHAN! FULL FORCE! STAB THE EVER-LOVING CRAP OUTTA IT! MIKURU-CHAN! READY YOUR MAGICAL POWERS! KOIZUMI-KUN! ATTACK TOO! KYON-KUN! ....uh. Sit there and look pretty! And I'm gonna attack too! REMEMBER, EVERYBODY! THIS IS A BOSS BATTLE! STRIKE AT ITS WEAK POINTS!"

"Since when did this turn into a videogame?!"

Like she said, Suzumiya began charging in, armed with nothing more than her body, specifically going for a jumping kick at the thing. Nagato was already slicing at it, and Mikuru was...still panicking a bit, but attempting to summon whatever magic powers Suzumiya said she had. Koizumi....well, he seemed to disappear somewhere.

And then there was me, stuck in the middle of all of this.

* * *

Really, this was.....probably the weirdest thing I'd ever seen on Earth. They looked normal, yeah, but the purple haired girl had just spawned beam arms. Which was awesome. But still. There was obviously something up here. 

"....Is this typical for Terrans to do this?" Drax was the first to speak up about this, and I could only shake my head. 

But yeah. Purple-haired girl slashing the shit outta the thing, brunette shouting orders and then running in herself, a girl with....holy shit. How. What. Those aren't rea--okay, I'm officially creepy. Great. At least it's just in my head. Anyway, that girl with huge tits was freaking out, and there was one other guy with an expression between shock and 'I'm so done with this shit'. 

"We might wanna help 'em." At least I managed to get that out. Everyone else agreed, so....time for the big damn heroes. Done via jumping and landing on it from above. Hell. Yes.

The purple-haired girl seemed pretty damn apathetic, though.

But no time for that. This was the time for destroying this friggin' thing. 

"Mi-MI-MIKURU BEEEAAAAM!" 

HOLY SHIT.

* * *

"MI-MI-MIKURU BEAAAAM!" 

Asahina had returned with one of the attacks from that magical girl movie we did once, to only mild surprise. What I was really shocked at is that apparently whoever was in the spaceship had joined the fight. From what I could tell, it was one guy, a green-skinned girl, an angry-looking blue-skinned guy, and....a raccoon and a tree? Suzumiya's ideas had really gotten to a strange point, if that's who she was summoning. 

Another surprising thing to note was that the Mikuru Beam had taken off a good chunk of the monster, to everyone's shock...except Suzumiya's, of course.

"HELL YEAH, MIKURU-CHAN!" Suzumiya had apparently taken to climbing up the thing, determined to find its weakpoint at any cost. "KEEP IT UP!"

* * *

It was a struggle to keep our balance, but somehow we did it. Luckily, Rocket decided to say what we were all thinking.

"What the flark was that?!"

No one appeared to have an answer except for the brunette scaling the blobby creature. "THAT - was Mikuru-chan's magical 'Mikuru beam'! Extremely deadly and awesome!" 

"...." Everyone had decided to look at me, because apparently I'm the master of communication. Especially with weird people such as this girl. "Right, that explains as much as we knew before. But whatever. As long as it works, have her do it again. Have you guys got a plan?"

"Uh..." The girl paused for a moment. "Stab the shit out of it at its weakpoints and hope that it doesn't go into a second form?"

"....Yup, that's good enough." Good enough as in, hopefully this thing HAS weakpoints. Because it doesn't seem to have even noticed that part of its body is missing. Plus, it's a giant blob. None are good signs.

"MIKURU-CHAN! CHARGE UP AGAIN! YOU'VE GOTTA SAVE US ALL!"  Okay, she was a bit dramatic, but overall, I dunno, I kinda like this girl. Even if she's also probably stupid for...wait, how did this thing get here in the first place? ...Yeah, I'll have to ask about that later. Whatever. Killing it first.

The purple-haired girl had taken to slashing her way inside the blob, her expression never changing. "..." She glanced up for a bit before simply turning her attention back to getting inside of the bl--oh wait. Waaaaait a minute. Duh. Luckily, Rocket had already caught on. 

"OKAY, WE MIGHT WANNA HOP OFF NOW!" 

"....We're a bit high up." The brunette said with a slightly ashamed grin. 

"It's alright, I've got ya!"

"You're sure?" 

"Entirely!" 

So she let go. 

* * *

Suzumiya had let go of the blob when she was a bit further up. Immediately, it was notable that the rest were all getting off of the monster in some way or another, after Nagato and the raccoon had apparently placed something inside it. Luckily, the man had fallen off the same way Suzumiya had, and he caught her, both making a safe landing as the monster exploded, leaving goop everywhere. 

Suzumiya was ecstatic. "HOLY CRAP, THAT WAS AWESOME!" She said, jumping back onto her feet as Nagato landed next to her, retracting her blades. 

"Well, yeah, but...so who are you all?" That was the man's first question, and his slightly-confused expression couldn't exactly be blamed.

"We're the SOS Brigade! I'm the leader, Suzumiya Haruhi, and this is Nagato Yuki, Asahina Mikuru, Koizumi Itsuki, and Kyon!" 

Koizumi had appeared again out of nowhere right next to me. I'd be surprised if I didn't already have a hunch it was because he had been tampering in closed space once more, which his expression seemed to confirm. 

"So what, you're some kind of crime-fighting team?"

"Yep! The best around!"

* * *

I'll be the first to admit that I don't know Japanese superhero teams, and...these probably weren't the 'best around'. Well. Maybe they were, for a very vague definition of 'around'. Even then, two of them hadn't done anything at all. Like, at all. Why were they on the....wait. Not like this is a professional team. 

"...But you guys know that was all really dangerous, right?"

"Definitely. That's why we were going to eliminate it!" 

".....and you're how old?"

"17."

That figures.

The purple-haired girl (Yuki, I think?) was dusting herself off like nothing much had happened in the first place, while the other girl (Mikuru?) was still looking really nervous and terrified. Poor thing. But the guy who I think wasn't even there before was just smiling, and the other was grimacing like he'd just been told he had lost in a really big game of poker. Haruhi was still cheerful, though. 

"But who are you guys?"

"....you haven't heard of us?"

"....Nope." Haruhi tilted her head. "Should we have?"

"Well, yeah, we kinda saved the whole galaxy once."

And then her eyes immediately lit up. "Whoa, really?! I mean, I know that there's--" She was talking really fast. Confusingly fast. 

"...Excuse me." --Whoa, holy crap, Yuki appeared out of nowhere right next to me. "There is something important that you must know."

"Oh, c'mon, Yuki-chan! Teamleader-kun--" Psssh. Okay, that's cute-- "--hasn't told me the whole story yet!"

"It will not take long."

"Yeah, it's okay." 

"Ugh. Fiiiiine."

 

Yuki had immediately gotten as far away from Haruhi as possible while still being nearby before she started talking. "It is reasonable to assume that you and your team are quite used to abnormalities. So much so that the Data Overmind had not factored in your possibility of appearing. But now you have, and you've interacted with Suzumiya-san enough to leave a reasonable impact." .....Data Overmind? Whaaaaa--

"As you may have noticed, I am not a normal human either. I am an agent of the Data Overmind sent to watch over Suzumiya Haruhi, who possesses powers akin to what you could call...'godlike powers'." 

"....So you're an alien and...Haruhi is a god?"

"Correct."

.......

Why am I always stuck with the weird ones?

 

 

 

 

 


End file.
